How do I put into words.....

.......what my heart refuses to acknowledge?

My mind knows he's gone again....but my heart won't accept that he wont be walking back in the door any minute. It was the same when he came home, but the opposite. I was surprised when he would walk in the room now I can't shake the empty feeling I have now that he's left.

Maybe it is because he was here longer than anticipated, too many days to get used to him being here again......and none of it spent doing anything but trying to sift through the mess we are still facing with our home.

He left with little resolved and more questions then answers. No matter how hard I tried to fix things before he came home it just did not work out the way we had hoped. Things compounded on top of each other until it reach such a magnitude that it left us both exhausted. His down time was anything but and in the end he left more tired then he was when he got home. Every part of my heart breaks because of how things worked out and yet every part of my heart aches to have him hold me once again. To just feel his presence, his strengths, his love.

As I watched him walk down the gate to board his flight, he kept turning around and looking back at me. I could tell how hard it was for him to walk away again, to leave us again. No matter how heartbroken I am, I am ever reminded that he is the one that must give up everything in order to be who he is......and so as he turned to walk through the door he turned one last time and blew a kiss to us......as we all waved back, tears steaming down our faces......left to face the painful remainder of this deployment without him.......we know he was left to travel half way around the world to face it without us......I know it my heart, my head that it is harder for him to walk away then for us to let him do it.

And so to my love, my soul-mate, my husband........I miss you, I love you.......I pray for you, be safe.