Positive attitude

Why is it so hard to have a positive attitude when you are up against the odds? Even praying with a positive attitude becomes difficult as I lay in bed at night. This time should be the happiest time of the last year+ as we edge closer and closer to that wonderful day that my husband finally returns, but I am so consumed with pain that those days run into one another and I barely remember how much time we have left.

Two days ago I went and had my test done and a doctor who has never seen me, never spoken to me, has the audacity to just go ahead and tell me he thinks the damage is permanent and that there is not much that can be done. I just sat there with tears running down my face. How in the hell can this be permanent. I laid on a surgical table for 12 hours and now because of how I was positioned on that table, I have permanent nerve damage that will prohibit me from wearing proper shoes again, from being able to walk long distances again, from ever dancing closely with my husband again. How can this be fair?

Good Lord I had this surgery to provide a better life for me and now it took away the life I had and made it worse. YAY the surgery was a success but the secondary injury will ruin you! How am I supposed to accept that with a positive attitude? I am not only in the worst pain I have ever experienced, but I also just do not understand.

I know soldiers who have been injured who have injuries worse then this and they recover fully from them, so how can I accept that this is going to be permanent? I will seek any treatment, whether tricare covers it or not, until I find one that cures what these incompetent providers did to me. I'm not even sure who is responsible, but what I do know is that from the moment I woke up I pointed this spot out to others in the hospital, no one cared, they noted that it was there when I came out of surgery but no one cared that it hurt, that it was hot to the touch or that there was a knot building under it.......again I kept talking but no one was listening.

I again that you continue to pray for me, for my sanity, for me to try to keep it together against the odds, against the worst pain I've ever had and for me to find someone who can heal me. Pray for God to heal me. I am so alone in all this, I'm so tired.........