The past few months have held a lot of things for my family......our soldier returned from a 4th combat tour in a row.....we once again moved (6th time in 8 years) my husband has started a new job, different yet just as challenging as the last, we bought a home, took a vacation (albeit a working one for my husband), set up house and in those late hours of the day I start to think, and think, I guess too much about all that has happened.....
Not just things that have happened in the few months since he returned from Iraq, but on things that have transpired over the years since we married.....how different we are, this man I love and the woman I grew to become.......then from the love sick 20 some year olds we were when we married......40 was old to us then, yet we both have passed that hurdle already in life......our children were much smaller in the early days, going from one to two to three.... just children and now we have a daughter approaching 18 and where has the time gone and what have I done in that time?.....the years get shorter for us as we gain one in age......each year.
I look at myself and try to find the woman who used to live here......she is now but a remembrance of mine......a face I see in pictures, memories of her's now live with me......but I think of all I did not do....all I said I wanted out of life and what I gave up when I traded that in to be a military spouse.....
I would not trade the life I have now......not that it's possible to anyway, but I'd do it all over again, every tear shed, every heartache suffered, ever fear not founded, worry not warranted.....I'd do it all over because to not do it over would be to change those I love more than life.......but the late nights when I am unpacking boxes holding memories of years spent doing what I do, it makes me wonder, was any of it of any help to any one? So many fights wrought on behalf of someone else, usually someone I did not know......was it truly worth what I put into all of it? I'd paid a price, usually you do when you go up against any form of authority to have something changed.......but was it worth it? All I lost for the little that other's gained.
I made enemies, I lost friends and the respect I thought I had earned, I found out quickly was just an orchestrated act of smoke and mirrors.....maybe I just don't understand other people's point of view on things......it's all about how it appears to others and that is just not me, it never was and I never want to find myself in a position where my opinion affected my husband's career so much that I was no longer allowed to have my own voice.......
A couple nights ago I found myself going through all our old pictures, the ones in the box, years and years of them.......chronographing my life down to the moment each was taken......and I wonder, who am I?
I am a mother, a wife, a military spouse, a professional in my own field by trade, but trained in other areas.....I never graduated from college, but many of us finding ourselves choosing to go along with our children......but do I want to? Do I want to go back and try to find where I fit in in life in the new world we have evolved into or is where I fit in, right here? As the spouse of a senior leader in the military, a position that requires me to be part of that life......
I have been asked to stand up again as an advisor, but I have so many reservations about that position.....I guess because of all I endured at our last duty station......but I know deep down that my position is unique, where I sit right now and this is no deployable Division and the spouse of the commander, certainly not like the last......my peers in this life are strong women, women of all nationalities, women, who like me are a face to a family that represents my husband, both personally and professionally.....
And so........what do I reconcile about my life when its all said and done? I guess in the end I am just who I am, trying, like many, to find where I fit in in my own world......do I even still fit, or have I just become a circle trying to fit in a square hole?
~sigh
ASW
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
6/25/08
Missing In Cyberspace
Me......
Sorry to be gone so long.....it was never my intention. Take it up with Transportation......
I have never been in limbo-land for a month as a result of a move. I blame transportation for it all......they have no ability to deliver our household goods, period, until the 2nd of July, maybe the 1st.......and so I am TDY with my husband......and my children. He had to go away and so we all went with him.
Our internet sucks in lodging here so I am doing my best to let you know I have not abandoned my blog....I am still here, just not here as in here, here. Yes I sound like a bumbling idiot, who wouldn't after 3 weeks of living with your entire family either at the family's house or in a hotel room.....? I mean come on, you can only take so much family togetherness before you are ready to run and hide in the bathroom for sanity purposes.
And so I have no sanity left.....we still face the 11-12 hours worth of driving home in a couple days to face 4 more days in a hotel......so if my blog goes into hibernation for a bit, assume I've been locked up for mental illness due to TOO MUCH FAMILY TOGETHERNESS......never thought when my husband was deployed that we would spend too much time together as a family, but let me tell you, it is possible to wish for some time ALONE.......
:D
ASW ~ currently writing from somewhere in the world, but not at home.
Sorry to be gone so long.....it was never my intention. Take it up with Transportation......
I have never been in limbo-land for a month as a result of a move. I blame transportation for it all......they have no ability to deliver our household goods, period, until the 2nd of July, maybe the 1st.......and so I am TDY with my husband......and my children. He had to go away and so we all went with him.
Our internet sucks in lodging here so I am doing my best to let you know I have not abandoned my blog....I am still here, just not here as in here, here. Yes I sound like a bumbling idiot, who wouldn't after 3 weeks of living with your entire family either at the family's house or in a hotel room.....? I mean come on, you can only take so much family togetherness before you are ready to run and hide in the bathroom for sanity purposes.
And so I have no sanity left.....we still face the 11-12 hours worth of driving home in a couple days to face 4 more days in a hotel......so if my blog goes into hibernation for a bit, assume I've been locked up for mental illness due to TOO MUCH FAMILY TOGETHERNESS......never thought when my husband was deployed that we would spend too much time together as a family, but let me tell you, it is possible to wish for some time ALONE.......
:D
ASW ~ currently writing from somewhere in the world, but not at home.
6/6/08
Kissing the ground (not really) and praying for day 2
Our departure day brought a bittersweet goodbye as we bid a fond farewell to good friends that we thought we might not have the chance to see before we left. We hugged through tears as my family climbed through our personal possessions to find our seats in our vehicles. I feel very blessed that we were able to say goodbye to them and hope that life provides us the opportunity in the future to see them again.
So on to day one of our driving....we did not get out as early as we'd hoped, the installation saw to it to make clearing the biggest issue it could. Housing was no big deal, that took about 5 minutes.....I guess they just wanted the money for the cleaning crew we were paying for....but me being the obsessive person I am, I had to clean it ahead of them.......go figure! But the last few things my husband had to clear, took way too long......Anyway, once on the road we were able to drive about 5 hours of our trip.....that 5 hours included me freaking out as I yelled at one of my daughters 'that checking her blind spots as she changed lanes WAS NOT AN OPTION'.....then at the other one 'that YOU DO NOT STOP OR SLOW DOWN ON THE HIGHWAY WHEN YOU CHANGE LANES, YOU WILL GET US KILLED'.......one almost took out a van, the other decided to get into a challenge with an 18 wheeler over who would win out on the merging of the lanes......and decided to go 85 miles an hour to do so.......that ended with a 20 minute disertation from her mother on why we don't take on tired truckers on the highway.........then I got to listen to her go off every time a driver refused to use their blinkers when they changed lanes only for her to use her windshield wipers a few times instead of her own.......and so when we finally stopped for the night I wanted to kiss the ground but it did not look so appetizing.......the only one in the car not making trouble was the dog. She was happy in her little collapsible carrier all snug on the car seat........
When my husband and I decided to stop for the night the girls were a bit PO'd, they wanted to keep driving the other 5 hours to the inlaws......we were like, um......what gave you the idea that we would drive all the way through.......they say we did, and we both laughed in unison and told them "Oh, we lied, we were never driving all the way through after three days of movers, two days of cutting grass and cleaning a house." They were not happy at first, but now that have had a good nights sleep and are refreshed..............they now know that they get another chance to drive and drive me crazy in the car with their driving, so all is well with La Familia esta Loco! No wonder my husband and Dennis are riding in the truck and only call on the phone when absolutely necessary......they know the hell I'm in.
The only saving grace is that I will have a small reprieve from my crazy driving daughters who only see one problem with driving and that is when I mention that maybe I should take over the wheel for awhile........so barring any huge fiasco that might happen while we are there, like them going out with their 15 cousins and getting into trouble with the local law (which are problably related to us anyway) or my shih tsu getting knocked up but one of the many strays that run the old Kentucky homestead, we should make it out of the state without anyone ending up in the ER.............. but everytime we go home to see the family I have this overwhelming fear that someone will lose a limb or a barn will get burned down or when the phone rings it will be the other shoe dropping and it will involve my children.......I guess that is what happens when your children and all their cousins reach the ages mine are.....it was so much easier when they were all little and cute and listened to their parents......now, not so easy..........so with all that being said, lets all say a little prayer that my children remain safe, my dog unpregnant and that I don't lose my mind! :D
~ASW
So on to day one of our driving....we did not get out as early as we'd hoped, the installation saw to it to make clearing the biggest issue it could. Housing was no big deal, that took about 5 minutes.....I guess they just wanted the money for the cleaning crew we were paying for....but me being the obsessive person I am, I had to clean it ahead of them.......go figure! But the last few things my husband had to clear, took way too long......Anyway, once on the road we were able to drive about 5 hours of our trip.....that 5 hours included me freaking out as I yelled at one of my daughters 'that checking her blind spots as she changed lanes WAS NOT AN OPTION'.....then at the other one 'that YOU DO NOT STOP OR SLOW DOWN ON THE HIGHWAY WHEN YOU CHANGE LANES, YOU WILL GET US KILLED'.......one almost took out a van, the other decided to get into a challenge with an 18 wheeler over who would win out on the merging of the lanes......and decided to go 85 miles an hour to do so.......that ended with a 20 minute disertation from her mother on why we don't take on tired truckers on the highway.........then I got to listen to her go off every time a driver refused to use their blinkers when they changed lanes only for her to use her windshield wipers a few times instead of her own.......and so when we finally stopped for the night I wanted to kiss the ground but it did not look so appetizing.......the only one in the car not making trouble was the dog. She was happy in her little collapsible carrier all snug on the car seat........
When my husband and I decided to stop for the night the girls were a bit PO'd, they wanted to keep driving the other 5 hours to the inlaws......we were like, um......what gave you the idea that we would drive all the way through.......they say we did, and we both laughed in unison and told them "Oh, we lied, we were never driving all the way through after three days of movers, two days of cutting grass and cleaning a house." They were not happy at first, but now that have had a good nights sleep and are refreshed..............they now know that they get another chance to drive and drive me crazy in the car with their driving, so all is well with La Familia esta Loco! No wonder my husband and Dennis are riding in the truck and only call on the phone when absolutely necessary......they know the hell I'm in.
The only saving grace is that I will have a small reprieve from my crazy driving daughters who only see one problem with driving and that is when I mention that maybe I should take over the wheel for awhile........so barring any huge fiasco that might happen while we are there, like them going out with their 15 cousins and getting into trouble with the local law (which are problably related to us anyway) or my shih tsu getting knocked up but one of the many strays that run the old Kentucky homestead, we should make it out of the state without anyone ending up in the ER.............. but everytime we go home to see the family I have this overwhelming fear that someone will lose a limb or a barn will get burned down or when the phone rings it will be the other shoe dropping and it will involve my children.......I guess that is what happens when your children and all their cousins reach the ages mine are.....it was so much easier when they were all little and cute and listened to their parents......now, not so easy..........so with all that being said, lets all say a little prayer that my children remain safe, my dog unpregnant and that I don't lose my mind! :D
~ASW
5/20/08
Coming to terms over growing children
My mom and I went out to lunch today. It was sort of a belated mother's day lunch except she took me out this year....last year she was here at the same time and I took her out. Her birthday falls very close to mother's day and today she laughed and said to me that we had sat in the same restaurant a year before together to celebrate her birthday and mother's day......I looked around and low and behold the memory flooded back from the previous year and I had to laugh, my mom has quite a memory for her age.
And so we sat there and chatted about my sister and her children, my niece who is getting ready to graduate and then the subject kind of gravitated to when I was in high school and I asked her if she had a hard time coming to terms with her age and with her children growing up when we were in high school.......I told her that I look at my children, and see them for who they are but in my mind I wonder when I got where I am.....how did 20 years of my life pass by and I can't remember my getting there??? She said that she too had to come to terms with this while watching my sister and I grow up....she was 48 when I graduated high school....the exact age I will be when my youngest graduates.....so I am right on target to follow behind her......will I feel the same as her? Am I already starting to feel the same as she did back then? One part of me remembers every waking moment of my children's lives and the other looks at it from the perspective of the audience of a play.......I know I was part of it, I was there for the most important steps, first smile, first tooth, first words, first steps, first day of school, tying their shoes, riding a bike, etc.....and yet I look back and remember like it was yesterday standing in the stadium getting ready to receive my diploma for graduation......I can feel the heat of the day, I can remember the air conditioning blowing down on us, remember the smell of the perfume I was wearing (it helps that I still have the bottle and it's half full by the way, I could never quite find a way to use it all....it was Lauren by Ralph Lauren) And yet, here I am at age 40 watching my niece getting ready to graduate, my daughter one year behind her and it feels as if the past and present are going to collide.......
And just before they do.......reality sets in and I remember that I already did all this, I had my turn, this is their turn and one day they, like my mother before me, will get the chance to experience the prom with their daughter, get to experience the wonderful nights when their son comes in their room, jumps on the bed and proclaims that she is simply the best mommy because she gives the best kisses, and oh, here's a kiss from daddy (because he's away) (at what age does that stop, because I need to prepare for that soon), and I will get to be the grandmother, the one to give her the advise my mother gave me today...... that it was just part of life, we all come to terms in our own way, in our own time....but we do, it's part of growing up. I guess I grew up again some today......I just love it when that happens......I love my mom.
And so we sat there and chatted about my sister and her children, my niece who is getting ready to graduate and then the subject kind of gravitated to when I was in high school and I asked her if she had a hard time coming to terms with her age and with her children growing up when we were in high school.......I told her that I look at my children, and see them for who they are but in my mind I wonder when I got where I am.....how did 20 years of my life pass by and I can't remember my getting there??? She said that she too had to come to terms with this while watching my sister and I grow up....she was 48 when I graduated high school....the exact age I will be when my youngest graduates.....so I am right on target to follow behind her......will I feel the same as her? Am I already starting to feel the same as she did back then? One part of me remembers every waking moment of my children's lives and the other looks at it from the perspective of the audience of a play.......I know I was part of it, I was there for the most important steps, first smile, first tooth, first words, first steps, first day of school, tying their shoes, riding a bike, etc.....and yet I look back and remember like it was yesterday standing in the stadium getting ready to receive my diploma for graduation......I can feel the heat of the day, I can remember the air conditioning blowing down on us, remember the smell of the perfume I was wearing (it helps that I still have the bottle and it's half full by the way, I could never quite find a way to use it all....it was Lauren by Ralph Lauren) And yet, here I am at age 40 watching my niece getting ready to graduate, my daughter one year behind her and it feels as if the past and present are going to collide.......
And just before they do.......reality sets in and I remember that I already did all this, I had my turn, this is their turn and one day they, like my mother before me, will get the chance to experience the prom with their daughter, get to experience the wonderful nights when their son comes in their room, jumps on the bed and proclaims that she is simply the best mommy because she gives the best kisses, and oh, here's a kiss from daddy (because he's away) (at what age does that stop, because I need to prepare for that soon), and I will get to be the grandmother, the one to give her the advise my mother gave me today...... that it was just part of life, we all come to terms in our own way, in our own time....but we do, it's part of growing up. I guess I grew up again some today......I just love it when that happens......I love my mom.
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