Late night unpacking and thinking......

The past few months have held a lot of things for my family......our soldier returned from a 4th combat tour in a row.....we once again moved (6th time in 8 years) my husband has started a new job, different yet just as challenging as the last, we bought a home, took a vacation (albeit a working one for my husband), set up house and in those late hours of the day I start to think, and think, I guess too much about all that has happened.....

Not just things that have happened in the few months since he returned from Iraq, but on things that have transpired over the years since we married.....how different we are, this man I love and the woman I grew to become.......then from the love sick 20 some year olds we were when we married......40 was old to us then, yet we both have passed that hurdle already in life......our children were much smaller in the early days, going from one to two to three.... just children and now we have a daughter approaching 18 and where has the time gone and what have I done in that time?.....the years get shorter for us as we gain one in age......each year.

I look at myself and try to find the woman who used to live here......she is now but a remembrance of mine......a face I see in pictures, memories of her's now live with me......but I think of all I did not do....all I said I wanted out of life and what I gave up when I traded that in to be a military spouse.....

I would not trade the life I have now......not that it's possible to anyway, but I'd do it all over again, every tear shed, every heartache suffered, ever fear not founded, worry not warranted.....I'd do it all over because to not do it over would be to change those I love more than life.......but the late nights when I am unpacking boxes holding memories of years spent doing what I do, it makes me wonder, was any of it of any help to any one? So many fights wrought on behalf of someone else, usually someone I did not know......was it truly worth what I put into all of it? I'd paid a price, usually you do when you go up against any form of authority to have something changed.......but was it worth it? All I lost for the little that other's gained.

I made enemies, I lost friends and the respect I thought I had earned, I found out quickly was just an orchestrated act of smoke and mirrors.....maybe I just don't understand other people's point of view on things......it's all about how it appears to others and that is just not me, it never was and I never want to find myself in a position where my opinion affected my husband's career so much that I was no longer allowed to have my own voice.......

A couple nights ago I found myself going through all our old pictures, the ones in the box, years and years of them.......chronographing my life down to the moment each was taken......and I wonder, who am I?

I am a mother, a wife, a military spouse, a professional in my own field by trade, but trained in other areas.....I never graduated from college, but many of us finding ourselves choosing to go along with our children......but do I want to? Do I want to go back and try to find where I fit in in life in the new world we have evolved into or is where I fit in, right here? As the spouse of a senior leader in the military, a position that requires me to be part of that life......

I have been asked to stand up again as an advisor, but I have so many reservations about that position.....I guess because of all I endured at our last duty station......but I know deep down that my position is unique, where I sit right now and this is no deployable Division and the spouse of the commander, certainly not like the last......my peers in this life are strong women, women of all nationalities, women, who like me are a face to a family that represents my husband, both personally and professionally.....

And so........what do I reconcile about my life when its all said and done? I guess in the end I am just who I am, trying, like many, to find where I fit in in my own world......do I even still fit, or have I just become a circle trying to fit in a square hole?

~sigh

ASW

And with a few signatures (or several on 35 sheets of paper)

We are now the proud owners of a new home......or we became the owners of a new home on Saturday.....

It seemed a little strange for us this time, we have always been present when we closed on our homes in the past. But this time with how things have played out, we had no choice but to fly out to our new duty station ahead of time and put in the offer and then do the closing via overnight mail. It was a bit more stressful and a little more work since this was the first time we had a Realtor doing the work for us, but it went off without much to do and once we arrive we can pick up our keys and move in. Well.....I will, my husband has to jump right in and start with his Assumption of Responsibilities, a Sergeant Audie Murphy Club Induction and then the Change of Command for his new BC. Following all this, 6 days later he will then be TDY for a week leaving me and the children to sort through boxes in an attempt to make some sense of the house.

But first we will head out from here to visit my husband's family for the annual reunion we have every time we PCS....which is normally every year, but this time we were lucky enough to have 22 months between moves. This next one promises to be three years before the Army will up and throw an assignment at us, but now we have that option to say NO and just retire.....what a great feeling that is to have!!!

I will say that it is a huge relief knowing that all we have to do upon arrival is call to have the water and gas turned on. The electric, phone, internet and cable are done.....we know everything about the children's schools since we chose this neighborhood based on where we wanted them all to attend. We met some of our neighbors while we were there and although it is not a huge military community, I think we will all love our new neighborhood......I guess its a give and take at this point.

Since we, as military spouses, rely so heavily on one another and our military community during back to back deployments, its only natural to be a little hesitant to move to an area that lacks those qualities.....but since my husband will not be deploying again (just the occasional TDY) I will take that over the military community any day (it does not mean that I wont miss it, because I will)......but hey, after 20 years, my family may have some assemblance of a normal life. I'm not quite sure what we will do with that, except maybe enjoy the hell out of it and thank God for every day we are together.

~ASW

and so it begins........

The mandatory going through everything we own and determining "do we really need to haul that shit around with us one more time?" The resounding answer on our ski equipment, which has not seen the slopes since the late 90's, maybe early 2000's is a definite NO. When you can't figure out which box of ski boots goes with which set of skis and the bindings are, well.......I would not wear them, but I'm not cleared to ski for a couple years yet....so no sweat off my back....plus the only skis we are going to need are the kind you drag behind a BOAT!

And so I spent my day today with my children and my husband sorting through years of stuff.....my husband calls it junk because he'd just assume make the cash at our yard sale.....(we did one in El Paso and made over $1200.00) but that only happened because I got rid of a bunch of german furniture, don't plan on that this time Smokey!

So our trip home was good, a nice gentleman came up to my husband and thanked him for his service (my husband was on official orders so he traveled in uniform) and then he paid for our dinner at the airport.......it was our second change of planes so we had some time to sit down......now here's were it gets really emotional for me.....first we had to change airlines from American to Delta......we were in the WAY back of the aircraft....the steward came back and said that they thought they may have 4 seats in business class available and if so they were going to move us up, not just because I was in a back brace for travel, but because of my husband's service.......well unfortunately it did not turn out that way, but just before they closed the door, he came back and told me that at woman in business class wanted to give her seat to me.....I did not understand why and I argued no, but my husband forced the point.......so when I saw her, I thanked her and she said that when she flies she always flies first or business class and if a soldier is on board she gives him/her her seat, but since I was flying with him, she gave it to me.......I thanked her immensely and went and sat down for our last flight which was about an hour and a half. It turns out that her son is a Captain in Iraq, my husband spoke to her during the flight.........so we debark at our destination and we are waiting for my husband's bag and yep it's missing........stuck in Atlanta......I hate that it was stuck there, but I am glad it wasn't mine, I mean, everything I own was in that bag.......it arrived today at about 4pm........and the guy was all confused, he could not figure out how to get on base.......figures.

Anyway, we are so ready to move to our new home......but I am so beat I'm lucky I'm able to type this at all and have it make sense. Good thing blogger has spell check, otherwise, this might not make any sense at all......

~ASW

Home

My husband called me this afternoon, (night~time for him)......to say goodnight. He need not say anything for me to tell how things are for him....I could tell from the sound of his voice that it had been a hard day......another in a series of them. There is so much going on right now that no one has much control over. My life here at home, unfortunately falls into the same category right now..... that stress, compounded on the issues he faces daily has made things all the more difficult for him. I guess if it were me, I too would want to talk to my wife at the end of the day to feel like I had some normalcy in my life, to know that I was connected, if only by a phone line to the life I left so long ago.....

But, it was one of those conversations where neither one of us had much to say to one another. I hate those. They leave me feeling as if I have failed him in some capacity as his partner, his wife....his best friend. They also leave me very sad. We have always made it a given that we end those conversations instead of dragging them out, no use making it any worse on either of us.

As we were getting ready to say goodbye my husband quietly said to me"Babe, I miss you so much today and I love you....." the words kind of caught in his throat as he sighed ".....and I just wanna come Home."

....... just a little while longer and you will be home.....although be it for just a short time, and....... I miss you so much too......