Letter to my Love

Babe,

I am using my blog to write this to you so that the whole world would know how proud I am of you and to be your wife. You have continued to support me throughout this whole ordeal. You are the love of my life, everything to me. We have spent a lifetime going through so many changes that the world has forced upon us, you took it all in stride while I was the one who was a bit freaked out......

In just a few weeks we will be together and we will begin our wonderful new life away from deployments and the stress of division life. I know we will face other uphill challenges and separations, but with what we have endured thus far, I know that we can pretty much survive anything.....

Each of the poems I have placed on this blog, with the exception of one, have come from the bottom of my heart. I am glad that you really liked the last one........when I read it with some of my favorite music playing in the background, I could almost feel you reading it.

So with this open letter to you my love I also send it out with our song..........hoping you can feel the love coming from my heart to yours.........I am forever yours.....

MTLI
your wife

Love Poem.........For my husband.

Baby, I am so sorry I worried you........I love you so.......

All Because of You

Author: Kate Reneigh Woodruff

I awake each day with a smile
And greet it with a laugh;
The world is a treasure to me
Because of you.

Every time I think of something sad,
I replace the thought- with you!
My mind is instantly changed
And my heart is filled with gladness.

Every breath I take is meant for you,
I live this life surrounded in joy
And I bathe in the promise of your love,
My soul belongs to you.

Each time I see something beautiful
I want to take it and bring it to you;
My life has so much meaning now
All because of you

Love Poem.........For my husband.

Longing
by Matthew Arnold (1822 1888)

Come to me in my dreams, and then
By day I shall be well again.
For then the night will more than pay
The hopeless longing of the day.

Come, as thou cam'st a thousand times,
A messenger from radiant climes,
And smile on thy new world, and be
As kind to others as to me.

Or, as thou never cam'st in sooth,
Come now, and let me dream it truth.
And part my hair, and kiss my brow,
And say My love! why sufferest thou?

Come to me in my dreams, and then
By day I shall be well again.
For then the night will more than pay
The hopeless longing of the day.

Farewell 2007........good riddens.........

Happy New Years......

Welcome 2008......

So I know about when my husband should be home and lets just say.....I am really starting to look at life with a "light at the end of the tunnel" aspect.......I know that I will hit the over the year mark really soon, which all in all just totally SUCKS....but we all get by.......and pass that mark and begin the next day...until an entire year has passed.....without him.

I remember when he left this time, yeah this time, that really sounds horrible doesn't it? THIS time.....as opposed to last time or the time before that or before that one......UGH.....anyway I remember when he left THIS LAST TIME...we had just spent the holidays together.....rung in a new year and I felt as if I wanted to die......we said our goodbyes and left him.....and then I sat there in the car with the kids and we all looked at each other with that "NOW WHAT" spread across our faces.......I really had no answer for them....so we drove the few minutes home to the house and when we got there, we all just kind of sat in the driveway.......we got out of the car and all stood there alongside of it looking across towards the general direction of where we knew "HE" was.......knowing that there would still be hours before he'd begin the long journey across the ocean to that faraway land to even begin the beginning of this deployment........and now here we are, according to my Deployment Donut 80% finished......and getting ready to begin living the extension of that year......wondering how we have managed to survive thus far through yet another deployment.....

And yet......I spend each of my days looking back on yesterday to find a better way to deal with tomorrow and before I have realized it, a year has passed.....a year of laughs, a year of tears and a year of life living without my best friend.....a life that I have lived and one that he has lived......separate but always together, not far away from one another's hearts even if far away from each other's bodies......we have only a short amount of time left ~ 20%.....the last of this long legged journey yet to finish before we will find ourselves in each other's arms .....our souls knowing the other without having to have the physical connection.....but that physical connection I long for so much these days.....days spent at the end with a long sigh as I tumble into bed exhausted as I think of all that has transpired behind us and all that I still have that lies ahead of me.......so many hurdles yet to cross, and so many behind.......a race that feels as if it truly never ends.......but one that I see has a light at it's long end......a light that gets a bit brighter every day......

So for those out there who find my blog.....who are entering into a deployment for the first time, or have been through one before and this is the beginning of another.......remember that this too shall pass.....we get up each day....we face it with our best foot forward and we LIVE.......we breath and we never surrender to the sadness that ever looms as our warrior leads his life doing what he does........be proud, be strong.......be that military spouse that I know you can be.......the one I never thought I would be.....the one I turned out to be after 20 years........we can all do this if we just believe in ourselves....and know that what does not destroy us, empowers us.......that light at the end of the tunnel....the one that gets brighter each day....it empowers me.....to smile at the end of each day........even when I'm lonely.

Just say a small prayer and smile........Happy NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!

A touching Reunion ~ CPT Terri Gurrola

This is a photo of Captain Terri Gurrola being reunited with her daughter upon arriving back into the United States after being deployed to Iraq since last spring. She is a member of the 3rd Infantry Division, 3rd BCT, from Fort Benning, GA.

I came upon this photo while doing some reading this evening and I thought that it was such a striking photo and very moving. The emotion on her face left me in tears........

I then found another photo of her from a story that ran on MNF-I back in April of this year.......two beautiful photos of this young Captain with two different children in two countries separated by more then just miles......

CPT Gurrola, I hope you have a wonderful R&R with your daughter......your family, that you are able to relax and decompress........be safe as you travel back into Theater and know that we are praying for your safe return at the end of your Tour. The difference you are making can never be measured or repaid.......Thank you.

~A Soldier's Wife.

Is it Autumn.......after all?

When I got up today I pulled on a pair of my husband's ripped and faded levi's and his favorite ranger sweatshirt in an attempt to feel closer to him. I stepped out the door and was hit with that scent in the air....the one that tells you that the season has almost changed overnight......I found myself smiling and then my eyes filled with tears that began to stream down my cheeks........ I was a little surprised by them.

There is nothing I love more weather wise then the days of Autumn...... that feeling you have when you know that the summer heat is going away and the air is clearing....I love it more then the crisp cold of winter and the snowflakes that fall, more then the first rays of sun that warm your skin in the cool spring air and more then the heat of the hot afternoon summer sun on your face........ It's when we begin to pull out the warmer clothes and fleece blankets to keep us warm on the cooler evenings to come....where we look to find things to protect ourselves from the unseen things in life we know can harm us.......even if the one thing we know and want is so far away..........

What was it that had caused them to spring up so quickly and unexpected? Was it the memories sparked by the sudden scent in the air of so many past days spent with my family during my most favorite time of the year? Was it the all the stress I have been going through lately and the lack of sleep? Or just because I am feeling a bit out of sorts, a little lost right now that another shift in my life just pushed me to tears?

I guess when you think about it, it does not really matter what was behind the tears as long as I always remember what they have taught me through this life........I will add today and the tears to other memories of Autumn days. Someday, when I am once again reminded of this day, I pray that I will be standing along side of my husband and we can say goodbye to this memory together, until then I thank God for what I have in my life, for the Blessings I have, even if they are a little tear stained right now............

~hm.........maybe I do know where the tears came from after all.............

Home

My husband called me this afternoon, (night~time for him)......to say goodnight. He need not say anything for me to tell how things are for him....I could tell from the sound of his voice that it had been a hard day......another in a series of them. There is so much going on right now that no one has much control over. My life here at home, unfortunately falls into the same category right now..... that stress, compounded on the issues he faces daily has made things all the more difficult for him. I guess if it were me, I too would want to talk to my wife at the end of the day to feel like I had some normalcy in my life, to know that I was connected, if only by a phone line to the life I left so long ago.....

But, it was one of those conversations where neither one of us had much to say to one another. I hate those. They leave me feeling as if I have failed him in some capacity as his partner, his wife....his best friend. They also leave me very sad. We have always made it a given that we end those conversations instead of dragging them out, no use making it any worse on either of us.

As we were getting ready to say goodbye my husband quietly said to me"Babe, I miss you so much today and I love you....." the words kind of caught in his throat as he sighed ".....and I just wanna come Home."

....... just a little while longer and you will be home.....although be it for just a short time, and....... I miss you so much too......

Missing so much.....

I had to tell my husband today on the phone that our younger daughter got her first kiss.....

and then there was silence.

All things that they miss because of being gone. So many firsts that are missed because of the War. First births, first smiles, first teeth, first steps, first days of school, first kisses, graduations, weddings, deaths.......

How do you, as a defender of our Nation, reconcile what you cannot get back?

I have missed a lot over the years by the life I chose to live. But what I missed, I did so because of various things........timing, location, monetary consideration, but when you do what they do, it is not a matter of choice. In the end you are left with the thoughts and sadness of all you have missed in a life that moves along without you while you are away defending your country and it's rights. Things, that once upon a time, you never dreamed you would ever miss.......

Like your 14 yo daughter's first kiss......or your wife telling you about it in person......and so 6500 miles away, on the other end of the line............ there is silence.

I am sure tonight as his busy day ends, he is taking a quiet moment of his own to reflect on what this means.....his baby is growing up without him here to guide her, to be a part of it ......that he has lost a part of his life he can't get back.

God Bless you tonight sweetheart and may He help you find peace at a time when I know things are anything but...............God Bless you all........be safe and may all of you know that even with all that is missed.......nothing is missed more then YOU!

Kung Fu ~ web cam

My husband and I had a web cam thingy yesterday....what do you call it, call, session, something along those lines, right? Anyway, the call through Yahoo was really off from the webcam. It usually isn't so bad, but yesterday, like our phone calls of late, there was a really bad delay. I had actually gotten up and left the room to give something to one of my children in the hall and he said it was as if I'd never left, until I finally got up and was gone, yet I was still talking to him....so I guess it was a picture delay not voice. This continued as the children spoke to him as well, my photo, their voice, then another child on the line, different child on camera.....so my son shows him some moves he's been working on (not sure what they were, at his age, anything is possible) and they too were accompained by the narration of my daughter talking about school.

Nonetheless, I said to him that it was like a bad Kung Fu movie, where the actors are moving and talking, but none of it matches the words they are saying. He agreed but said that I was much cuter then they were. Aww, what a nice thing for him to say. I thought later that I was glad I was cuter then they are, I'm much taller and have better hair. :D

I sure like the webcam thingy, even if its uncooperative at times, just closes the distance for us all a little bit more......Yay for technology!

This post got me thinking......

A new vice of mine is a blog called The Life and Times of a Butterfly Wife. She made a post today that I think often about.

The things, that during a deployment, fade in our minds about the closest person to us in life. Our husbands.

I made a comment to him when he got home from Iraq the last time about how I felt on this subject. How much I seemed to forget about him. It wasn't just the general being of him, but the things that I fear that should something ever happen to him, that I would forget. The things that would slowly make me lose my mind.

I talked with Butterfly Wife in one of her posts about Anticipatory Grief and I think this kind of goes along with that. During my husband's last deployment to Iraq, I had been so wrapped around the sadness I experienced during that time, that getting through a day without worrying about him, I had convinced myself that he was not going to come home safely.

So as part of my road towards getting over that fear, I made a list of the things that would haunt me should this occur......the first thing and probably the most important on the list would of course be not having him with me.....to grow old with.

But as my list went on, it became about the things I'd miss in upcoming deployments, the things now that with him gone, seem so distant....like his touch. He loves to hold my hand. No matter where we are, he holds my hand. He is Mr. PDA in Uniform....he will kiss me goodbye in his office, he will walk me out to my car and say goodbye to me. But when he holds my hand, I stare at his hands. He has such strong wonderful hands. I tell him they are beautiful, but that is my interpretation of them.....not the best adjective to use for a Ranger, but to me they are. They are rugged, yet gentle. Masculine, yet they soothe. And just the touch of his hand, calms me.......I miss that so much.

I miss his laughter, not just his smile, but his laughter. It's contagious. I can be mad as heck and he can laugh at something, trying to break the silence in me and it isn't a minute later I am laughing with him, my anger forgotten and the world is right once again.......how can you live without that in your life for so long?

I miss watching him sleep, he shuts down completely. Its like watching a child sleep, as if the world does not exist past his dreams. Baby, do you dream in Iraq? Are you able to shut it down and turn it off at all? I hope you do, I pray you do.....

I miss watching him with our children. He is such a wonderful father. He can take any situation and find a way to teach them a life lesson from it and in such a way that enables them to take so much from it, things I would never have imagined. I wish that I had that ability, he has taught me how to be a better mother......

and I miss his presence.......when he leaves for work in the morning, it's like the house knows he's gone. It too, is sad. There is almost an electricity that you feel when he enters a room, a vibe if you will.....maybe it's me, but people are drawn to him....

There are so many other things about my husband I miss, I could write novels about it. I think I probably did and then shared them with him.

Before he left he made a video of he and I just talking one day and in it he tells me all the things he tells me in person. Afterwards he told me that on my worst days, when I was scared and lonely, to watch it.

There have not been many bad days that have made me pull it out and watch it, but on those few bad days, the sight of us together just being us, lightens my lonely heart and does ease that pain enough for me to smile and thank God for my blessings in life, whatever form they may be in right now.

I know that someday, the two of us will watch that video together, look back and laugh at the silliness of making it, but for now, it does what he intended for it to do, to remind me of what it feels like to be loved by my husband and until he is home......that short video is just about the most precious possession I own.....

So I have the donut.....the donut of misery.

and many of us don't admit it often that we use the donut....do you know what the donut is......?

If not let me explain it to you.  The donut of misery is an excel program that will calculate the amount of time you have left of your deployment.......or any other important day.......I've had the donut for a long time. I used it for the last deployment. Before I discovered the Donut, I used Karen's Power Tools ~ Karen's Countdown Timer II. I used it during my husband's deployment to Kosovo and his first deployment to Iraq. I still have this one, because it sends me notices for my kids appointments online so I don't forget them...of course I need to make sure it's running first.....

I have a love/hate relationship with the Donut. I mocks me, laughs at me and taunts me....even though I have changed all of it's colors to make it cuter, when I open it for it's tap dance across my heart....the bottom line is, the DONUT SUCKS, or it did until today!

The Donut of Misery, for those out there who have no clue what it is, is an excel program that calculates the deployment time based on the information you enter. It will give you the percent done and the percent to go before the end of your deployment in a circular graph that has a hole in it's center. I have two of them running right now...one until R&R and the other to the end of the Deployment (based on 15 months). Of course it was based on 12, and at extension time, I had to basically begin again.....but atleast I did not go back to the beginning, I think it went down like 12%, because of the time it calculated in that we had already completed, but it sure felt like we had started over.....

So my husband, smart man he is, around oh, say month 4, says to me, "Babe, they have this excel program, called the donut of....." at which point, I of course stifle a giggle.....he pauses and says, ..."so how late am I on this topic?" My response was "oh about 16 or 17 months.......and I informed him of where we stood on our percent complete. I think that kind of depressed him.....he never asked again.

So then I found a new program that runs on my computer.....have we all gotten that I am really a person who is wrapped around knowing how much longer her husband is going to be gone? Cause I am, I hate it....I miss him and anything that reminds me of how close we are to him coming home is wonderful. So this one is called Time Left 3. I don't leave it up all the time. I run it when I need an exact amount of days to give him until R&R or when he comes home. The date for homecoming is of course a guess.....who knows when it really will be. I take the date he left and found out exactly, according to days, when 15 months is, because it's not really the date of one month and 15 months later on the same day that month. It is actually off set somehow......

So back to my Donut...which I had not opened in over 9 weeks.....well today, I opened it....and it was even. A complete line separating my yellow side of my Donut from my pink.....we have hit the top......WE HIT 50%......I can finally say, It's all downhill now.

I don't know what to do with myself or the donut, except to hug and kiss my donut, which is gross because my laptop is in need of a cleaning....but I was happy......and so I then opened up my R&R one, cause I am sure that one was going to make me even more ELATED, but it still said 14%.....and I thought to myself, puzzled, how can that be? And then I realized it is based on a whole......and that whole is only 9 months long, where as the other is 15...so the difference would be markedly noticeable......but I just look at the days and I'm good with that. Still ELATED with the Donut!

So check out the Donut, download yourself one. Even if you are not into keeping up with the days now, you maybe as the time goes on. It also calculates separation pay, per diem, the months, weeks, days, hours, minutes and seconds since they left and until they come home.......and on days you need to be mad at something, blame the DONUT!

~smiles