yeah, yeah, yeah....I know

So okay, I am a soldier's wife and I am a Project Runway watcher. I used to loathe the show, but as each season ran, I am now stuck on it!

I just can't help myself......now with the Bravo show Flipping Out, which really is quite terrible...Jeffrey is such an f-ing ass....(I caught this one last night) only to discover that my husband had already been watching it [gasp] and caught me up to speed.....I now fear I am becoming a B-rated-reality-TV junky! I really need to find something more productive to occupy my time...... like working on my house!


The 7 things I hate about moving.......

In no particular order......

1. unpacking
2. trying to figure out the schools
3. finding new dentists/orthodontists/doctors
4. finding a new church where you feel at home
5. starting over in your community (making friends)
6. moving all your information (insurance, change of address, etc.)
7. missing the things that made your last home, feel like home

I used to love it when we PCS'd, a chance to start over and I found it to be an adventure, but now it seems like such an effort to do this stuff all over and over again. I guess I'm burned out.....

****Okay, so updated to add #8****
8. getting used to the new News Anchors in your area....they all seem strange!


A question of faith.....finding peace

Do we, in the hardest of times, forgo our faith in God? Or do we, as Christians. trained up to be forthright in our beliefs, use trying times as a way to solidify what we hold to be true about Him?

After hearing my daughter proclaim to her siblings the other day that..."what does not destroy us, makes us stronger", I felt the need to try to explain to them that God does not give us more then we can handle..... I tried to show them examples of what I meant, yet I feel I fell short in doing so. I believe this only because I know it to be true, yet how do I convey this to my children........must they endure their own "whats" in life in order to discover this for themselves or will they accept it as it's face value?

I pray. I pray all the time, it matters not where I am or what I am doing....but I don't usually pray all that much about myself....it is mostly for others. Before my surgery I prayed to God to see me through it so that my family would not have to bear losing their mother/wife, yet in my heart, I was scared. Then afterwards I was told that things had been very iffy during my surgery, that I came close to dying....... But I know that the power of prayer must have played a part in my survival, so many were praying for me.

When I have come up against, or better when I have felt as if I were walking in "the valley of the shadow of death" I knew I was not alone...... There have been times, much to my chagrin, that I have questioned God directly....and that bothers me because I have always held onto my beliefs, no matter what. Even now, as I continue to face an uphill battle to recover from my injury as well as the surgery that caused it.....I hold onto the fact that I know there is a reason for all of it, I just may never know what it that reason is.....

During my husband's deployments, I, like many military spouses, had difficulty sleeping. The middle of the night shadows would creep up and all my worst fears would come out to play....yet, I knew that it was just my subconscious working it's self overtime.....but that knowledge did nothing to calm my fears. Only prayer did.

As I have aged, I have come to accept the fact that not all prayers are answered the way we may want them to be.....The song "Unanswered Prayers" by Garth Brooks has always been a favorite of mine, simply because it speaks of such a great gift that God gives us. One we may not see at the time......and while I may not hold all the answers, much less all the questions, I do know that often, God is THE answer.

None of us knows what tomorrow will bring. For some it brings life, for others, death, but it always brings us the promise of another day........I find peace in that knowledge and I am thankful.


Late night unpacking and thinking......

The past few months have held a lot of things for my family......our soldier returned from a 4th combat tour in a row.....we once again moved (6th time in 8 years) my husband has started a new job, different yet just as challenging as the last, we bought a home, took a vacation (albeit a working one for my husband), set up house and in those late hours of the day I start to think, and think, I guess too much about all that has happened.....

Not just things that have happened in the few months since he returned from Iraq, but on things that have transpired over the years since we married.....how different we are, this man I love and the woman I grew to become.......then from the love sick 20 some year olds we were when we married......40 was old to us then, yet we both have passed that hurdle already in life......our children were much smaller in the early days, going from one to two to three.... just children and now we have a daughter approaching 18 and where has the time gone and what have I done in that time?.....the years get shorter for us as we gain one in age......each year.

I look at myself and try to find the woman who used to live here......she is now but a remembrance of mine......a face I see in pictures, memories of her's now live with me......but I think of all I did not do....all I said I wanted out of life and what I gave up when I traded that in to be a military spouse.....

I would not trade the life I have now......not that it's possible to anyway, but I'd do it all over again, every tear shed, every heartache suffered, ever fear not founded, worry not warranted.....I'd do it all over because to not do it over would be to change those I love more than life.......but the late nights when I am unpacking boxes holding memories of years spent doing what I do, it makes me wonder, was any of it of any help to any one? So many fights wrought on behalf of someone else, usually someone I did not know......was it truly worth what I put into all of it? I'd paid a price, usually you do when you go up against any form of authority to have something changed.......but was it worth it? All I lost for the little that other's gained.

I made enemies, I lost friends and the respect I thought I had earned, I found out quickly was just an orchestrated act of smoke and mirrors.....maybe I just don't understand other people's point of view on things......it's all about how it appears to others and that is just not me, it never was and I never want to find myself in a position where my opinion affected my husband's career so much that I was no longer allowed to have my own voice.......

A couple nights ago I found myself going through all our old pictures, the ones in the box, years and years of them.......chronographing my life down to the moment each was taken......and I wonder, who am I?

I am a mother, a wife, a military spouse, a professional in my own field by trade, but trained in other areas.....I never graduated from college, but many of us finding ourselves choosing to go along with our children......but do I want to? Do I want to go back and try to find where I fit in in life in the new world we have evolved into or is where I fit in, right here? As the spouse of a senior leader in the military, a position that requires me to be part of that life......

I have been asked to stand up again as an advisor, but I have so many reservations about that position.....I guess because of all I endured at our last duty station......but I know deep down that my position is unique, where I sit right now and this is no deployable Division and the spouse of the commander, certainly not like the last......my peers in this life are strong women, women of all nationalities, women, who like me are a face to a family that represents my husband, both personally and professionally.....

And so........what do I reconcile about my life when its all said and done? I guess in the end I am just who I am, trying, like many, to find where I fit in in my own world......do I even still fit, or have I just become a circle trying to fit in a square hole?




In reading.....

The book HOUSE TO HOUSE by David Bellavia

I found myself reading a story I already knew.....my husband fought with this unit, knew it's leadership and was friends with those that were lost.......

I found myself hanging on, hoping that the story would not turn out as it did in real life.......in the end it just served as another reminder to both my husband and I what we have endured to be where we are today, to thank God for every morning we wake, every sunset we are blessed to be around for and every smile we see on our children's faces. So much could have turned out differently, as simply as a decision made by someone in the opposite direction in which it was made, would have altered our outcome so much that the mere thought of it gives me pause to cry......

This is a gripping tale that I feel every soldier, every warrior should read. Both new warriors and those that strive to understand what and why they do what they do each day, to ensure our Nation's freedom remains in tact.......should also read this, those that do not share our love for this life, our fears for what it brings and the amount of courage and strength it takes to do what we do, would simply not understand why I find this book such a great read......and that is really a shame.....these people lived, they fought and some died........and they were just like you and I......with families left behind to sort out the remains of the day.


signed, sealed, delivered, AH!

Well they managed to deliver our HHG a day early, now we are inundated with boxes! I swear they multiply on the trucks!

We now also have a black kitten named Midnight underfoot to contend with along side our shih tsu.....life just keeps on getting better!

Our cable/phone/internet company is apparently run by transportation since they too can not have anything set up for two weeks (what is it with this place???) so, this will most likely be it for a while.......and so until the next time I am able to run off to Starbucks for some much needed caffeine and a hotspot to write by, this is A Soldier's Wife......

~Living the Dream! (or one might say nightmare at this point, there are arguments on both sides to justify this position! :D)