Why do children have to die?

My oldest daughter came in my room a little while ago and told me that one of the girls she knows at school died in her sleep............she was crying and climbed in bed with me. She asked me why and I told her and her brother and sister that sometimes people just die. This young girl was a twin.......I'm sure they are watching her sister very closely until further word comes in about how her twin died.

I feel awful for this family. But early this morning I had a dream that my oldest daughter had died, of what I don't know, but she was gone. A few nights ago I dreamed that my younger daughter had died in a motorcycle accident, a few months ago I dreamed that my son and I were hiking and he fell off a cliff-side and died. For the longest time I know I will be a little freaked out whenever he is in the position of being somewhere high or when my daughter rides on her dad's Harley with him. These dreams are very real and scare me down to my bones.

I knew when my daughter walked into my room crying that someone she knew had died........her last friend that died, died 18 months ago. I was the one that told her then, today she had that same look.....I almost wonder if she is scared. I am trying to reassure all of them that what happened, happened because it just did, but it's so hard when even I don't understand............

Say a prayer for this family...........


Love Poem.........For my husband.

Happy Easter Babe

A Love Forever
© By Gail A. Yarbrough

Every I love you, you whisper,
is like rain for the trees,
moonlight for the ocean,
nectar for the bee

Every kiss bestowed upon me
is like fragrance on flowers,
heat upon the desert,
mist from morning showers

Every glance in my direction
is like flame to the fire,
a twinkling of stars,
a spark of love's desire

Every moment in your arms
is like waves to the ocean,
a rushing, primal urge,
a sweet mix of emotion

Every passing year marriage
is like joy without measure,
a life without limits,
I shall love you forever.


A yearly ritual

The Mountains of Europe taken from Eagles Nest

I lay here in bed once again watching "The Sound of Music" and think back about how many years I have watched this movie. It also reminds me so much of when we visited the area where it was filmed. We drove in areas around Austria but never had the chance to go and take the tour but I did manage to take some beautiful pictures from "Eagles Nest" that will forever remind me of this movie..... I of course have wonderful photos of my family taken of the area surrounding this wonderful place in Germany. Berchtesgaden is wonderful, I suggest if you live in Germany, that you go.....it is so wonderful to visit this area.....

Eagles Nest itself.

The entrance to the cave where you take the elevator
up to Eagle's Nest. The temperature really takes a dive
the further in you go, but once you emerge from it, you
are inside of the building, which is now a restaurant.


An Answer .........for my husband

My husband wrote me a book and recently when he was home, he gave me this book. This book was the most precious thing I think he has ever done for me. This book was about why he loved me.....in it he listed pages and pages of things that are about "Why" he loves me....... I wrote this as an answer to that book. I love you Babe, you are my world.

"How Could I Not Love You?"
by A Soldier's Wife

How could I not Love You when almost every moment of the day I think of you, of us and the wonderful life we have.
How could I not Love You when the sweet sounds of our children's voices echo around me, echoes that I know only your love made possible.
How could I not Love You when every room of our home holds memories of our life, our love.
How could I not Love You when I know that when I look up to the heavens, I know you are too, sending your love from thousands of miles away.
How could I not Love You when although we don't share a perfect love, it is one that will stand the test of time.
How could I not Love You when I know that if I make a mistake, your heart will forever forgive it.
How could I not Love You when no matter where we are you make me feel like I am the only woman alive.
How could I not Love You when every hope and dream either of us have ever had, you never once doubted me, nor I you and now we share the same hopes and dreams.
How could I not Love You when I think back to the paths we both have lead and now know that there was always something pulling us towards one another.
How could I not Love You when I know that in a room full of strangers, a simple smile from you assures me of your love.
How could I not Love You after all the time we have been apart over the years, upon your arrival home, I need only gaze into your eyes to know that the love we share is a forever one, for you are my soulmate.
How could I not Love You when I know without a doubt, that God always intended for us to love.

Amazing ........

So I had to have CT scan done today because of all the issues I am having. I went last week and scheduled the appt., they gave me two big (now I use the words big because they seemed huge, so downsizing for arguments sake) bottles of Berrie Smoothie Barium Sulfate to drink. Now I care not how you label it or mask it, this stuff is gross. I am not a sipper so last night before bed I downed the first BIG bottle (450ml) now that is 15.22 ounces, disgusting. Then this morning 2 hours before I had to be there, I drink another BIG bottle of this stuff......okay got it down and head to the hospital.

I check in with radiology and that is when SPC whoever he was comes out with another, I looked at him from my wheelchair, all frail and tired (lol) and said to him "You are kidding right?" nope! SPC whoever he was says, you need to drink atleast half........so I down half of the BIG bottle.......now I'm like ready to gag....he says, "Your awesome", hey he thinks I''m awesome (like I care).........

So here we are, me and my Mother in law waiting. I then looked down the front of my very cute Tommy Hilfiger blouse and I realize the buttons are on the inside of the top, I thought to myself, I don't remember these buttons being inside, HA because they aren't......... I am wearing it inside out.....now you could barely tell because of the way it was made, but once I got up, my hair would not cover the tags, so I go to the ladies room and turn it right, look in the mirror and shake my head at my dumbass self.

So the Emergency room now needs my CT time.....and I sit and wait an hour......but I'm okay with it, because this CAT scan I need must be done, it's important, so I am not upset. Besides with all the junk they have me drinking, this is going to be a big deal, this CAT scan. So finally SPC whoever he was, who is being very nice to me wheels me back....... so now I'm gowned (which it then occurs to me that I could have fixed my top then, but whatever). I get all comfy on the CT bed, (yeah right, all 11 inches of it) SPC whoever he was did manage to find some blankets to cushion it for my back, being I am only a couple months post fusion surgery.......then the DYE guy comes in, not sure if he was a contractor or not, but soldier he wasn't, hair definitely civilian.......so I'm laying there and our fine SPC begins to read over my paperwork. He gets to the part about where I had had this done before and asks what year, I answered 1988 when I was in the Army, he laughs and says wow, I was born in 1988........Okay, this kid, (I no longer see him as a soldier) could be my child, OUCH!

So the DYE guys rags on me a bit because he graduated a year after I did and too is younger then I am, gets around to where he sticks the cath in my arm for the DYE and it begins....THE SCAN....the whole 30 second thing. I was like HUH? What do you mean that's it. You made me drink tons of what I know is toxic crap, then you gave me more, then you light up my blood stream with radioactive DYE and then you do one tiny little 30 second scan.........

They find this all amusing, I on the other hand only find it ironic, considering...... only after I was dressed did it occur to me how young our service members really are and how old I AM!!!!

Amazing......I'm still shaking my head


New Doctor today

So I went and saw my newest doctor today. I really like him, he is trained in a very special type of Sports Therapy where they are able to do soft tissue manipulation to release entrapped nerves. It's called Active Release Technique.

The first session was brutal, but I anticipate most of them to be. He thinks he can fix it, but said he needs to research what nerves are causing the pain. I will see him every third day, as possible, until either it is fixed or we move. I go back Friday, but for now I am sore and I hurt, but maybe this is my answer.....I am praying very hard that it is. The patient before me is training for the Olympics, so if she trusts him, I think maybe I will be in good hands. He is going to sit down with my Neurosurgeon and discuss what he is doing. He is also going to speak with a few colleagues to get some input.

My Neurosurgeon said that I was his most challenging case, my new doctor said I may very well take that title with him too.

Is that a good sign? :D

Tax stimulus payments

I thought this was very important information and it took a while for me to find it. It clarifies how military service members who have zero income due to combat pay qualify....even single service members. We are one of those families with zero income due to the rotation of our unit, we did file a tax return and got the child tax credit, but it too makes us qualify for the Tax Stimulus payments that will begin in May. I NEED TO ADD, MUCH TO MY SURPRISE, FOR FAMILIES THAT have already filed their taxes electronically that were deployed the entire year and ended up with zero for their federal income, they will need to file a 1040X - Amended U.S. Individual Income Tax Return (to amend them to have them calculate your tax stimulus payment. You can find this form here

We need to spread the word on this message far and wide.
Bottom-line: military members (who don't have to file a return for 2007 due to combat pay exclusions from taxes) will not get the economic stimulus package payment unless they file a return (even for zero payment or zero pay back).

Here's the message:
The IRS is trying to get the word out to everyone who might not have a requirement to file a tax return that the only way to receive a stimulus payment is to file a 2007 return.
In addition to reaching out the the retired veterans, did you know that a soldier/sailor/airmen/marine who normally is not required to file a return because their only income consists of excludable combat pay, may be eligible for a stimulus payment? If the excluded combat pay amount is at least $3,000 they must file a tax return to receive a stimulus payment. The excluded combat pay would be reported on Line 40b of Form 1040A. Using this line on the form is an election to treat the nontaxable combat pay as earned income for EITC purposes, which may also help provide tax refunds on the original return filing for some combat soldiers. The soldier would usually be eligible for the minimum payment of $300, plus $300 for a spouse on a joint return. Each qualifying child would add another $300 to the total payment. See the sample Form 1040A on the IRS Web site for how the soldier (or other folks who normally do not file a tax return) would file to get a stimulus payment http://www.irs.gov/pub/newsroom/1040a.pdf They should elect direct deposit to get their stimulus payment the quickest way possible.
Have you already visited the Rebate Questions? link on IRS.gov?
There is a lot more Tax Information for Members of the Military on IRS.gov. Just click the link and go to "Individuals" and then "Military."


Love Poem.........For my husband.

Longing For The One You Love

Author: Shirlotta Tidwell

For the longest time
Have I longed to touch thy face
To kiss thy beautiful lips
And feel the warmth of thine embrace.

For the longest time
Have I longed to hold thee near
And whisper sweet caresses
From my mouth into your ears.

For the longest time
Have I longed to sing out loud
Of the passion that I'll feel
When we dance beneath the clouds.

For the longest time
Have I longed to be with thee
To join my heart with your soul
Until you're the greatest part of me.

For the longest time
Will you and I be together
Until our fantasies have become realities
And our spirits have become one forever.


I need some help.......

I believe that I have come across some blogs where some of you volunteer at Walter Reed.
I hate to ask anyone this, but if you do work there in any capacity, could you please contact me immediately. I would believe you would know why. It is not about my husband but it is about a close dear friend.

Please say a prayer.......

Flowers for Lemon Stand from A Soldier's Wife


Letter to my Love


I am using my blog to write this to you so that the whole world would know how proud I am of you and to be your wife. You have continued to support me throughout this whole ordeal. You are the love of my life, everything to me. We have spent a lifetime going through so many changes that the world has forced upon us, you took it all in stride while I was the one who was a bit freaked out......

In just a few weeks we will be together and we will begin our wonderful new life away from deployments and the stress of division life. I know we will face other uphill challenges and separations, but with what we have endured thus far, I know that we can pretty much survive anything.....

Each of the poems I have placed on this blog, with the exception of one, have come from the bottom of my heart. I am glad that you really liked the last one........when I read it with some of my favorite music playing in the background, I could almost feel you reading it.

So with this open letter to you my love I also send it out with our song..........hoping you can feel the love coming from my heart to yours.........I am forever yours.....

your wife


Positive attitude

Why is it so hard to have a positive attitude when you are up against the odds? Even praying with a positive attitude becomes difficult as I lay in bed at night. This time should be the happiest time of the last year+ as we edge closer and closer to that wonderful day that my husband finally returns, but I am so consumed with pain that those days run into one another and I barely remember how much time we have left.

Two days ago I went and had my test done and a doctor who has never seen me, never spoken to me, has the audacity to just go ahead and tell me he thinks the damage is permanent and that there is not much that can be done. I just sat there with tears running down my face. How in the hell can this be permanent. I laid on a surgical table for 12 hours and now because of how I was positioned on that table, I have permanent nerve damage that will prohibit me from wearing proper shoes again, from being able to walk long distances again, from ever dancing closely with my husband again. How can this be fair?

Good Lord I had this surgery to provide a better life for me and now it took away the life I had and made it worse. YAY the surgery was a success but the secondary injury will ruin you! How am I supposed to accept that with a positive attitude? I am not only in the worst pain I have ever experienced, but I also just do not understand.

I know soldiers who have been injured who have injuries worse then this and they recover fully from them, so how can I accept that this is going to be permanent? I will seek any treatment, whether tricare covers it or not, until I find one that cures what these incompetent providers did to me. I'm not even sure who is responsible, but what I do know is that from the moment I woke up I pointed this spot out to others in the hospital, no one cared, they noted that it was there when I came out of surgery but no one cared that it hurt, that it was hot to the touch or that there was a knot building under it.......again I kept talking but no one was listening.

I again that you continue to pray for me, for my sanity, for me to try to keep it together against the odds, against the worst pain I've ever had and for me to find someone who can heal me. Pray for God to heal me. I am so alone in all this, I'm so tired.........


Love Poem.........For my husband.

Not much longer my love............

Missing You

by Kim Williams

I want to be near you.
I want to be close to you.
I want to hear the sound of your heart
as I gently lay against your chest.
I want to breathe you, feel you and even become you.
I wish I could pretend my hands were yours
as they glide across my body softly and gently.
You are so far away,
how can you have this affect on me?
I wait upon the day when we can be close and near!


So today is the day..........

TO ME!!!!!!

And I get to have an EMG and Nerve Study done today find out if they can locate the source of my pain......I pray that this test reveals it to be what I think it is, and the fix as simple as what my Physician and I discussed because I can no longer walk.......the pain so severe I can not place any weight on my foot, to do so hurts so bad that I just can not stand it any longer......so keep up the prayers, maybe for my birthday God will give me an answer.........