A new vice of mine is a blog called The Life and Times of a Butterfly Wife. She made a post today that I think often about.
The things, that during a deployment, fade in our minds about the closest person to us in life. Our husbands.
I made a comment to him when he got home from Iraq the last time about how I felt on this subject. How much I seemed to forget about him. It wasn't just the general being of him, but the things that I fear that should something ever happen to him, that I would forget. The things that would slowly make me lose my mind.
I talked with Butterfly Wife in one of her posts about Anticipatory Grief and I think this kind of goes along with that. During my husband's last deployment to Iraq, I had been so wrapped around the sadness I experienced during that time, that getting through a day without worrying about him, I had convinced myself that he was not going to come home safely.
So as part of my road towards getting over that fear, I made a list of the things that would haunt me should this occur......the first thing and probably the most important on the list would of course be not having him with me.....to grow old with.
But as my list went on, it became about the things I'd miss in upcoming deployments, the things now that with him gone, seem so distant....like his touch. He loves to hold my hand. No matter where we are, he holds my hand. He is Mr. PDA in Uniform....he will kiss me goodbye in his office, he will walk me out to my car and say goodbye to me. But when he holds my hand, I stare at his hands. He has such strong wonderful hands. I tell him they are beautiful, but that is my interpretation of them.....not the best adjective to use for a Ranger, but to me they are. They are rugged, yet gentle. Masculine, yet they soothe. And just the touch of his hand, calms me.......I miss that so much.
I miss his laughter, not just his smile, but his laughter. It's contagious. I can be mad as heck and he can laugh at something, trying to break the silence in me and it isn't a minute later I am laughing with him, my anger forgotten and the world is right once again.......how can you live without that in your life for so long?
I miss watching him sleep, he shuts down completely. Its like watching a child sleep, as if the world does not exist past his dreams. Baby, do you dream in Iraq? Are you able to shut it down and turn it off at all? I hope you do, I pray you do.....
I miss watching him with our children. He is such a wonderful father. He can take any situation and find a way to teach them a life lesson from it and in such a way that enables them to take so much from it, things I would never have imagined. I wish that I had that ability, he has taught me how to be a better mother......
and I miss his presence.......when he leaves for work in the morning, it's like the house knows he's gone. It too, is sad. There is almost an electricity that you feel when he enters a room, a vibe if you will.....maybe it's me, but people are drawn to him....
There are so many other things about my husband I miss, I could write novels about it. I think I probably did and then shared them with him.
Before he left he made a video of he and I just talking one day and in it he tells me all the things he tells me in person. Afterwards he told me that on my worst days, when I was scared and lonely, to watch it.
There have not been many bad days that have made me pull it out and watch it, but on those few bad days, the sight of us together just being us, lightens my lonely heart and does ease that pain enough for me to smile and thank God for my blessings in life, whatever form they may be in right now.
I know that someday, the two of us will watch that video together, look back and laugh at the silliness of making it, but for now, it does what he intended for it to do, to remind me of what it feels like to be loved by my husband and until he is home......that short video is just about the most precious possession I own.....