5/20/08

Coming to terms over growing children

My mom and I went out to lunch today. It was sort of a belated mother's day lunch except she took me out this year....last year she was here at the same time and I took her out. Her birthday falls very close to mother's day and today she laughed and said to me that we had sat in the same restaurant a year before together to celebrate her birthday and mother's day......I looked around and low and behold the memory flooded back from the previous year and I had to laugh, my mom has quite a memory for her age.

And so we sat there and chatted about my sister and her children, my niece who is getting ready to graduate and then the subject kind of gravitated to when I was in high school and I asked her if she had a hard time coming to terms with her age and with her children growing up when we were in high school.......I told her that I look at my children, and see them for who they are but in my mind I wonder when I got where I am.....how did 20 years of my life pass by and I can't remember my getting there??? She said that she too had to come to terms with this while watching my sister and I grow up....she was 48 when I graduated high school....the exact age I will be when my youngest graduates.....so I am right on target to follow behind her......will I feel the same as her? Am I already starting to feel the same as she did back then? One part of me remembers every waking moment of my children's lives and the other looks at it from the perspective of the audience of a play.......I know I was part of it, I was there for the most important steps, first smile, first tooth, first words, first steps, first day of school, tying their shoes, riding a bike, etc.....and yet I look back and remember like it was yesterday standing in the stadium getting ready to receive my diploma for graduation......I can feel the heat of the day, I can remember the air conditioning blowing down on us, remember the smell of the perfume I was wearing (it helps that I still have the bottle and it's half full by the way, I could never quite find a way to use it all....it was Lauren by Ralph Lauren) And yet, here I am at age 40 watching my niece getting ready to graduate, my daughter one year behind her and it feels as if the past and present are going to collide.......

And just before they do.......reality sets in and I remember that I already did all this, I had my turn, this is their turn and one day they, like my mother before me, will get the chance to experience the prom with their daughter, get to experience the wonderful nights when their son comes in their room, jumps on the bed and proclaims that she is simply the best mommy because she gives the best kisses, and oh, here's a kiss from daddy (because he's away) (at what age does that stop, because I need to prepare for that soon), and I will get to be the grandmother, the one to give her the advise my mother gave me today...... that it was just part of life, we all come to terms in our own way, in our own time....but we do, it's part of growing up. I guess I grew up again some today......I just love it when that happens......I love my mom.